this

my heart warms when i think “if only”

if only i would have said this or that

if only i would have done this or that

how good would it feel

how good would i seem

i would have not suffered now

the buddha does not bother himself with if only

the buddha is always here and now

if only i was buddha

my son pulled out from somewhere the installation disk of the computer game half life.

i played the game, after years of not playing.

i forgot how fun it was.

the adrenaline, the addiction to the adrenaline.

but i also noticed how artificial this adrenaline was.

like porn adrenaline.

it’s not that he doesn’t believe me.

he doesn’t believe anyone.

there is no point in communicating to him that i am hurt.

there is no point in proving him he is wrong.

i have to internally process my hurting.

i need to realize when it is general and when it is personal and then do something about it.

don’t assume

ask questions

believe the answers

this place

this time

this wind

the skills of the flyer

all these will determine if this kite flies or stays on the ground

and no wishing nor aspiration will change the fact

that this kite and this man holding its string with this wind on this place

doesn’t fly

i don’t expect good work from him anymore

how calming

i took a day off

i lay in bed and ask myself

day off from what?

day off from guilt

going to sleep when i am tired

getting up when i had enough